Marriage

SECRETS TO A GREAT MARRIAGE!

By

Jimmy & Glenda Davis (happily married since 1982)

Paulo & Heather Rehn (happily married since 1979)

As taught by James & Frances Hawkins (happily married 61 years, until parted by death)

 All successful marriages require work.  They are always growing or deteriorating, requiring constant maintenance--like houses, yards, physiques--but definitely worth the effort.  When works stops, deterioration begins. 

 Two become one flesh^[i] [with two minds, two hearts, two souls].  They don't forfeit personalities or identities, but they function as a unit, enhancing each other.  Decisions and schedules are best planned together, discussing options and seeking agreement.  When unable to agree, the husband is responsible for decisions and their consequences.^[ii]

 Love is a choice, not a feeling.  Love does what is best for our spouse, regardless of feelings.  No couple is always "in love"--having "the tingles."^[iii]  When feelings falter, commitment sustains marriage.  Eventually, if we choose to love, the "tingles" return (off and on; they are never continuous in any long-term relationship).  Choosing "tingles" over real love often leads, regrettably, to infidelity.

 Feelings follow actions.  Acting lovingly when we don't feel loving is not hypocrisy; it is obedience.^[iv]  Actions beget feelings.  We are kind and respectful to strangers regardless of feelings; we can choose kindness and respect at home.

 Marriage is not "50/50."  The ideal marriage is 100/100.  No marriage is ideal, but that's the goal.  With two "heroes"--each doing "the big thing"--marriage flourishes.  If each waits for the other to do his/her "50%," the marriage withers.

 Unmet needs breed resentment.  Prolonged resentment produces bitterness.  In marriage, generally, women need love and affection; men need respect and frequent sex^[v].  Women forever need to be romanced; men rarely have that need.^[vi]  If needs go unmet, resentment builds.  If one seeks to meet the other's needs, usually the spouse responds positively.  But needs should be met because of choosing to love, not to manipulate.  (BTW, lovemaking gets better and better over time, when mutually fulfilling!)  [We recommend The Act of Marriage, book by Tim & Beverly LaHaye.]

 Right communication builds relationships.  Lack of communication erodes relationships; bitter communication destroys them.  Communication is more than words.  Positive ways of communicating include:  words of affirmation; meaningful touch; acts of service; quality time; gifts^[vii] (show you thought of your spouse while away); and more.

 Great marriages are only possible God's way.  Human nature is selfish, spiteful, vindictive.  Jesus enables us to love unselfishly through His Holy Spirit living in us, once we ask Him to save us and we submit to His lordship.^[viii]

 God is perfect.  We are not perfect spouses or parents, though we try to have a godly home.  But God is the perfect  Father who knows best.  Living within His will, we are blessed.  Living outside His will, we make wrong choices and suffer the consequences.  God made us, loves us, knows us intimately, and loves us despite our faults.  He proved His love for us in giving His only Son Jesus to die for our sins.  He forgives us when we ask His forgiveness,^[ix] as we forgive others.^[x]  Good marriages are impossible without Him.  His way is always best.  His plans are to bless us as we obey Him.^[xi]